2-pc Chicken (a personal primer on middle class sensibilities)

Mami: Hello Nak, magsi-Silliman University na si James sa pasukan.

Ako: Huh! Di ba ang mahal ng tuition dun! San ako kukuha ng pera para diyan. Si Alben di ba mag do-Don Bosco?

Mami: Oo, nakapasa na siya sa entrance exam.

Ako: Dapat mag-public school na lang yang mga yan. Di ba si Uncle Jemuel Master Teacher III na?

Mami: Wala akong tiwala sa Angkol nimo. Hindi magaling mag english.

Ako: E di kunin niya si Ma'am Sisican, yung teacher ko nun sa Phonics.

Mami: Nagka-Bell's palsy si Ma'am Sisican mo. Yung cat niya, cut na.

Ako: Eh si Mrs. Juridico?

Mami: Patay na si Mrs. Juridico.

Ako: Hay naku mami, kung gusto mo matututo yang anak mo ng English, e pagbasahin mo Silhouette! Pakausap nga kay James.

James: Hello Kuya...

Ako: Hoy James! One chance lang ibibigay ko sayo. Sabihin mo rin to kay Alben. Sa oras na magloko kayo at hindi mag-aral nang mabuti, wala na. As in Wala. Zero! Wala na kayong makukuha sa akin. Magiging katulad kayo ng Tito Jaypee ninyo, magtitinda ng gulay sa Malatapay! Understand? Pakausap kay Mami.

Mami: Hello Nak...

Ako: Hello Mami, o siya! magkano na nga ba ang tuition ni James sa Prep?

Dapat ngayon pa lang, BB. Gandanghari, bilang mo na kung ilang hair extensions ang kailangan mo. Kelangang 4 inch ang heels para mas humaba ang legs. Kung pwede buy italian. Lalaki pa rin ang paa mo. Bukod sa malaki, malapad yan at madaling makadeform ng sapatos. Kung manghihiram ka, malamang deformed na yun. Nagse-sale sa Linea ng mga ti-eel (high heels). You can buy a 4 inch ti-il at less than 500. Give up, walang size 12 na heels sa SM. Pinag-aaralan ang paglalakad at wala tayong budget para magtrain sa Colombia under the mentorship of Barraza. Sure akong hindi tayo pinanganak na naka pointy-toes.

Sabi nga ng friend kong nagsimula sa Zone IA He's Got the Locks Pageant at umabot ng Saipan hanggang New York sa kakapamitas ng Ms. Gay title, kumain lang ng oatmeal at uminom ng tubig 3 days before the pageant. Sa probinsya kinakain namin ang bunga ng tiesa, puno ang tiyan at malalaki ang jebs. Hindi ka tataba. Kelangan mo na ring imemorize ang mga answers sa 20 possible questions na binigay sayo a week in advance. Swerte ka, BB,  dahil hindi on the spot ang magiging tanong pagpasok sa top 12. Memorize mo nadin ang 100 most often asked questions in Beauty Contests as a preparation to the grittier top 5 Q and A.

Huwag kang aabsent sa mga rehearsal, BB. Walang points dito pero it is important that you know the tsismis ng mga kalaban. Alam nila ang lahat sa 'yo, ilang korona at title, most embarrasing experience, favorite color, motto in life, IQ, EQ, ITR at ang tunay mong anyo. Kaibiganin mo silang lahat hindi para sa Ms. Friendship (walang cash dito) sash kundi para malaman mo kung sino ang sponsor nila. Then dig their history: kung sino ang nagnanakaw ng gown, nantatago ng wig at hair extension at nansasapaw sa stage. Kung sino ang may koneksyon sa judges. As early as now, start sizing them up. Dito mo malalaman kung sino ang kompetisyon at kung sino ang pampaalsa lang. Don't ever, ever, aaaverrr! underestimate your competition. Alam ko lahat kayo kabayo, pero palaging may darker horse. BB, beau-con is a lucrative endeavor. Kung suswertihin, pwede mong tustusan ang edukasyon ng djowa mo. Kahit sa Ateneo High School pa.

Pagdating sa backstage, BB, kelangan mo ng 5 na bakla na magsisilbing alalay at bouncer, 1 for make-up sa face and 1 for your entire body para i-even out ang jade foundation, 1 for outfit, 1 taga-ayos ng masking tape, at isa pa para magbantay ng lahat ng gamit. Laging merong isang inggeterang contestant na namumunit ng gown kaya watch out. Kung hindi maganda ang legs mo o halata ang mga stubbles, mag suot ng limang patong-patong na nylon stockings. Napat naka-calculate na din to nung bumili ka ng shoes. Pag hindi nagkasya ang paa mo, I'm sure na walang magpapahiram sa yo na fellow contestant sa anumang beauty pageant. Kung meron man, tiyak na chaka. Read: Cara Subijano, Ms World 1994. Manalo matalo, kelangan mong palapangin ang ang alleli mo pagkatapos ng byukon. Pagod yang mga yan. Pag lossviminda, keri na ang pansit canton, pag wagi, magpa-Pares ka.

Sa warzone (also known as "stage") kelangan mag-ingat, BB, laging look left and right. As much as possible, iwasan mong matapilok. Nagamit na yan ni Miriam Quiambao. Huwag kang mang-aapak ng gown. Baka balikan ka. Kung aapakan man ang gown mo, don't move. Take your time. It is your time to shine. Mas maganda kung mas matagal ka sa stage. Use the classic "right leg is always pointed forward over your left leg when standing" (again, advise ng friend kong byukunera at nagtatrabaho na sa MAC New York). Unless your poise and walk is something revolutionary like the "Bayle Walk" from Ana Bayle, keep it conservative. You can overdo things from time to time BB (double axle twist tuck up - is acceptable). Remember, Ms. Gay ito at hindi Mutya ng Pilipinas. Pwede mo ring kausapin ang mga ibang kontestant sa backstage para lang tanggalin ang nerbiyos habang nagrere-apply ng vaseline sa lips na ginagamit pampa "hold" ng smile. Oo, hindi lang dun ginagamit ang Vaseline. Pag may sobra, itago mo for future use.

BB, pumalakpak ka kahit hindi tinawag ang name mo. Huwag kang magwawala. Huwag mong huhubarin ang sash mo while mouthing "luto" to the judges. Pwede kang i-detain ng mga tanod sa loob ng barangay hall ng 8 oras like what happened to Dindi sa Ilocos. Kung manalo ka naman, act surprised. Alam kong gasgas na ang expression na yan, pero kung gusto mong mang-inis, pwede ring umarte kang parang expected mo na ang korona. Pagdating mo ng backstage, hindi malayong buhusan ka ng asido ng isa sa mga baklang luhaan.

Higit sa lahat, BB, kung gusto mong magbuild ng reputasyon sa mundo ng beau-con, isoli mo ang lahat ng mga gamit na hiniram at huwag na huwag mong tatakbuhan ang sponsor.  Hatiin ng 50-50 ang winnings kahit verbal lang ang contract. Gusto mo bang tawaging, maganda pero matingera (magnanakaw) naman?

Pinakahigit sa lahat, iisa lang ang kalaban mo: NERVES. Ang mga ugat sa paa, sa kamay, sa kasukasuan. Tandaan mo, parang ka na ring sumali sa 45K Marathon. Kelangan ng resistensiya. Dito papasok ang experience at training. Hangga't hindi mo pa nagawang pagsabayin ang dalawang byukon sa magkatabing barangay, marami ka pang pressed powder na uubusin.

Mental note: malamang nahindi perfect ang execution ng mga bagay-bagay. Gumawa ng continuous improvement plan. Better walk, better sentence construction, better make up, better hair, better you.

Side note: hindi lahat ng beau-con totoo. Marami dyan scam. Hindi nagre-release ng premyo lalo na kung mahina ang ticket sale. O matagal magrelease ng voucher for cash prizes. Check kung sino ang mga organizers and conduct due diligence.

Didiretsahin na kita. Hindi ganun kadali yun. BB.Gandanghari if your intention is to be at the forefront of gaydom. As a one time judge to the Miss Gay Takas-Patyo Summer Ramping Festival 1999 at back up dancer sa talent ni Donita as Ms. Guatemalas sa Super Sireyna nung year 2000 singing Queen of the Night, uulitin ko, hindi ganun kadali yun. Oo, ako yung isa sa mga baklang nakamaskara dun.

Kailangang malaman at kilalanin mo ang mga effort ng ating mga sisters both dead and living. You must have heard of Yanyan. Lahat ng baklang nangarap tumaytel (maging titleholder) ay kilala ang yumaong Yanyan AKA Bernadette Alison na pinakasikat na Miss Gay Amazing at ang tanging bakla na jumujoin ng mga Beau-con without the essential jade foundation (I know, this is unthinkable ngayon, lalo na sa harap ng harsh stage flood lights pero she always pulled it off, ganun siya kaganda sister). Pulbo lang at ponytail at mangilan-ngilang "I believe ladies and gentlemen that _____________________.(state your answer " - title na. Nakahimlay siya ngayon sa Pasig Cemetery, binibisita ng baklang nene bilang patron saint for pills, poise and beauty.

O sina Patricia Montecarlo, Matmat, Ador (from U.P. Babaylan?) Sarah Neil Noderrama A.K.A. Nina Ricci Alagao, Algene Sitangco A.K.A., Beth Tamayo (nung kasikatan pa niya). or Joey A.K.A. Jessa Zaragosa. Or si Mother Ojel A.K.A. Maricel Morales A.K.A. Daniella (from the Spanish Soap Opera sa Channel 2 noon.)

At ilan pang nagrepresent at magrerepresent sa atin sa Miss Queen International sa Thailand o ang kinakatakutan ng mga bakla sa mga pageant ngayon ang mga kabayo ng Sta Ana  AKA "the Sta. Ana Beauties."

At ang mga "non-pro" nene na kasalukuyang (oo sa oras ding ito may nagaganap na beauty contest, may isang baklang kinokoronahan sa isang basketball court, sa post harvest tubuhan fields with kamalig fences, sa isang town gymnasium o sa loob ng kanyang kwarto, nagkakandado with friends na natalo niya sa question and answer portion sa instant Ms. Gay Ligwakan na tig-20 pesos ang taya) pumupugeant sa lahat ng sulok, zone, purok, barangay, bayan, siyudad sa Luzon Visayas at Mindanao special mention sa Bulacan, Tarlac, Pampanga at Ilocos.

At higit sa lahat ang mga lola natin who paved the way for us, namagyagpag nung 80s sa mga guestings nila sa Eat Bulaga, Ikes Big Happening, Kuya Germs Special,The Truth or Not of Ate Luds and Two for the Road bilang voice over, taga-ikot ng tambiyolo, taga bukas ng kahon o taga salo ng sampal.

Paano mo malalaman ang virtue of magnanimity and humility if once in your life, hindi mo maranasang pumageant?

Alam kong sa age mong yan ay dapat retired byukunera ka na at nagsa-start nang sumali sa mga prayer meetings ng G4G (gay 4 God) along with Dobie Arranda, Mama Ricky and Maning Borlaza), you are an exception to the rule.



Go na! Eto ang text ng friend kong sponsor. 50/50 split sa cash at sayo na ang crown and trophy. Sa kanya na lahat: make-up, masking tape, swimsuit, national costume, casual wear, evening gown at answers to the 20 possible questions. Panty mo lang ang dadalhin mo.

"on February 16, 2009 at wagas street cor. lakandula street, tondo, manila. the prices awaits you are P7,000,00 for the title, P5,000,00 for the first runner up and P 3,000,00 for the second runner up our quota is P 200,00 for info just txt or call kagawad aj cecilio or gillian arrianda @ 09085756372....wala pong lutuan dito at totoo ang mga premyo!!!! one thing more pakiagahan naman po ang punta salamat po!!!"


Warning: Bukod sa mga Baklang Turok, meaning turok ng collagen sa ilong, collagen sa bibig, sa balakang at sa dede, mag-ingat din sa mga Baklang Robot na wala nang kanto at hardness sa face dahil 9 years old pa lang ay lumalaklak na ng banig-banig na Diane-35 .

(review dapat ito ng book na Artistic Truth ni Lambert Zuidervaart)

Mami: Hello 'Nak!

Ako: Hello mami?

Mami: Hello, nagpakasal na ako.

Ako: Okay.

Mami: Yung pulis na sinasabi ko sa 'yo dati?

Ako: Ah, yung pulis na taga-Pamplona? Yung pilay? Na-stroke ba yun o nabaril sa paa?

Mami: Ibang pulis 'to.

It is you telling a friend over free coffee about the possibility of a relationship where there are no "if's" or "buts", only "whatever."

It is the pain of sticking a sliver of soap to your eyes to make it appear like some viral conjuctivitis to get that leave of absence for the sudden Sagada trip with the person you just met but extremely like or for the unanticipated send-off of a friend and one time lover who's about to migrate to Australia.

It is like sitting near the windows while taking calls and chasing after your average handling time like years lost, looking for a red two-door civic speeding through the highway outside falling in love at 40 with a married man with a kid. When the latter decides to leave for Dubai, it's the feeling right after the approval of a Citibank application for a refinanced loan and giving it to the man - before making love for the first time in three years of strange courtship and familiar estrangement. It is like waiting for that one text or missed call from an "UNKNOWN" number knowing very well that your phone does not recognize other country codes, for days and months which would never come. It's like dropping by the church on your way to work one day and asking for a sign. It is the feeling of a firm decision to once and for all, end it, when suddenly, a priest comes out of a red two-door civic, the car that the married man always wanted. It is also known as hope.

It is deciding to get married at 22 years old this April 19, a year after you passed the board exam for engineering. It is breaking the news to her parents in a comedy bar where laughter impersonates confusion like a seasoned performer.

The paluwagan that you stopped paying after getting your share. The atm which you gave as a collateral and your brilliant idea to report as a lost card. It is the debt which you have tried to escape from for as long as you can and the friends you lost along the way.

It is a shoot-to-kill order and the absence of smileys on the pages of a starbucks planner. Your conscious decision to stop having sex after being tagged as a primary suspect in a friend's murder. It is the nervousness inside the NBI interrogation room even after the witnesses' "negative" identification of you. Your hair as stylish as rhianna's and your gait and walk too effeminate that you probably could not have killed someone who's 6 feet and 4 inches. It is that shock after seeing the cartographic sketch and you printing a picture out of your friendster account which turned out to be that of the murderer --- also, a long lost friend. The empty pages of a planner as everything that you used to do stopped to a grinding halt. Where 2 smileys squeezed on a Restday meant two men and two 50-peso bills in dark alleys, in parked jeepneys and sometimes in motels. It is that one smiley one night on your way to work, after 1 month of barren pages and more smileys thereafter.  

It is the conversation you had with a customer who told you that he had been to the Philippines, years ago, as a service man in Subic. He kept on calling you "Ms." and that your voice is hot not knowing that you already have a wife with two kids and that your voice has always been that way.

It is the lost cellphone or that ipod which was stolen from you by an officemate whose name you know but cannot confront because of the universal middle class rule? on innocence and guilt.

It is learning that you are pregnant with your second baby, hoping that it is a girl this time, whom you would name Karma, a decision you have made that New year's eve when you were absent from work and your husband had not come home in three days or that night when you've read in his sent items: "are you wearing that booty pants?" It is the anticipation of that 60 day maternity leave for normal delivery and 78 days for caesarian and that 7 days of paternity leave, the longest that both of you would ever be together while keeping your jobs, perhaps enough to rekindle the vow but not enough to lose the weight that had been there since your eldest's birth.

It is like getting a massage on a payday in a sauna raided by the Police several times. It is asking for a kiss and that he too gets off and should stay a little longer in bed with you for a smoke, for a price.

It is the people whom you've wronged on your way to the top or wronged you on their's.

Or that person, a perfect catch, who ditched you because your Quality scores are near perfect and your First Call Resolution (FCR) impeccable only to realize she chose the guy with miserable customer satisfaction (CSAT) but faster Average Handling Time (AHT).

It is that one minute over the paid 15-minute break when everything of importance happens or everything becomes important, like dropping by the rest room to pee or unwrapping a mentos you've kept for 1 week in that secret pocket after 2 and half sticks of cigarette, or saying hello to someone you don't particularly like and the quiet promise to do your laundry.

It is the whisper of an incoming call just when the person beside you is about to reveal an affair she had with someone you know or the truth about that person she held hands with last Kick-off party and the reason why she left you drunk and alone.

Or the call you need to make to your mother who is taking care of your baby in the hospital, using the landline on lunch break like all those who lined up behind that someone who had been saying goodbye to someone at the other end of the line for the last 10 minutes. It is the health care number that you've memorized like a song.

It is how you miss somebody's friend's office mate from a previous call center, whom you've met only once who was shot dead after she refused to give her Nokia N73 to the gunman and that other story about an officemate's friend who knew that person who was found dead in a cab. She sent the plate number and the words "I love you." through a text message to her mother.  

It is you getting home safely after the shift at daybreak, after last night's big fight about you wanting to quit this job and him not letting you, with all the sanest reasons, like Descartes, in the most perfect argument.

It is you getting ready to sleep and whispering the words "everyday is a gift..." to his ears which he wakes up to each morning.

It is you planting  a kiss on his left forehead, your private way of saying sorry.

We love therefore we forgive.

Ako: Mami, ano ka ba? Hindi totoo yang Sri-Vijaya Treasure na yan! Walang Sri-Vijaya treasure sa Maayong- tubig.

Mami: Darating ang mga Singaporean partners namin, mag-iinvest ng 1 billion!

Ako: Huwag mong ubusin ang naipon mo sa Japan.

Mami: Kahit ang lolo mo sinasabi na maraming mga Hapon dito sa Dauin noon!

Ako: Hay naku mami, niloloko ka lang nyan. Nagpapauto ka naman! Scam yan.

Mami: Ano ba? Mahal ko siya!

Mami: Hello nak, natanggap na namin ang pinadala mo..

Ako: Okay.

Mami: Yung perfume ang bango. Sige lang ang pag-spray ni Alben. Kulang na lang ipaligo.

Ako: Victoria's Secret yan Mami. Pambabae yan.

Mami: Hayaan mo na. Di naman alam yan dito. At nak! yung mga T-shirt na pinadala mo, ano ba to? Ang ninipis!

Ako: Mami! Ano ka ba? Topman yan! Mahal yan!

Mami: Ano ba 'to parang B.U.M.?

Ako: Oo Mami. Parang B.U.M.

Mami: O sige sasabihn ko sa lola mo na wag tong lalabhan sa ilog.

I.
Who's afraid of Stephen Sprouse?

Apparently, hindi takot ang dalawang baklang nene na naka-bag na Marc by Marc Jacobs. Inikot ko pa ang buong shop ng LV para i-assess kung kaya nga ba bumili ng dalawang baklang mukhang 15 years old lang. So ayon nakita ko ang brand ng bag ng dalawa. Marc by Marc Jacobs. In short diffusion line lang. Which fits my rule na if ever you want to go low end (and still within the spectrum), go for the diffusion line: Miu miu of Prada, McQ by Alexander McQueen or CK jeans by Calvin Klein. (The last time I heard these many personalities and names dropped like butong pakwan shells at a funeral (Barthes, Foucoult, Saussure, Derrida, Pol Medina...) in a single sentence was in a workshop with the premiere writing organization in U.P.)

Apparently ulit, masyadong mailap ang dalawang ito na bigla na lamang nilang mawala matapos malaman na 94K ang isang Stephen Sprouse Louis Vuitton na Keepall 50. Hindi ko mahagilap kung papaano ang isang baklang nene (much more kung dalawa pa sila and when I say "nene" we're talking about 15 year old bayots in a third world country here mga atcheng) ay mag-a-aspire ng isang LV special edition by stephen sprouse. And they sure didn't look like they're art students.

II.

And I refuse to think na ganun na ka-twisted ang mundo. Pero kung si Joey de Leon ay may column na "Me Starzan" sa Philippine Star, ay baka magugunaw na nga ang mundo at fifteen thousand na lang ang LV - though nagsimula na ang katapusan ng mundo nung nakaroon ng kanya-kanyang column si Butch Francisco/ Lucy Torres/ Celine Lopez/ etc... sa (guess where) Philippine Star...

III.

So being a middle class whose insecurity stems from the instability of fiscal and monetary position, in short di siya sure kung mayaman na ba talaga o pinipilit lang, to be Keynesian about it, I had to make sure na nape-preserve pa rin ang status quo. Nabagabag ako.  Tinakbo ko ang Glorietta 4 at 5 nang pabalik-balik para malaman ang price ng bag sa Marc by Marc Jacobs shop. Well, the universe or what we call "the free market" is indeed self-correcting! The exact same bag was on SALE at 25% off for 17K. Kaya naman talaga nila siguro bilhin yun. And give them a break! Kung bakla ka na hayskulelat and you need to highlight your taste against that of your friends, get the diffusion line. Yun kayang pag-ipunan huwag ka lang mag-recess which explains kung bakit nangangayayat sila. Kumbaga kung magsasampalan kayo ng bag in a metaphorical way, mas masarap at masakit isampal ang Marc by Marc Jacobs kesa sa Kate Spade o sige sabihin na natin the more generic Benetton or, gasp* Secosana.

IV.

Na-discuss na ito ni Tyra in detail sa isang full season ng Tyra Bank's Show. She coined it Sistahhood Violence. Galit ang negra sa kapwa negra. Galit ang bakla sa kapwa bakla and we waste so much energy on it which explains again, kung bakit ang bilis natin tumanda. At 22, pinandidilatan ka na ng mga nene sa Malate na parang nagsasabi na "What the fuck are you doing here?" 25 Ka pa lang "lola" na ang tawag sayo. Pagtungtong mo ng 30 parang feel mo na magcollect ng Mills and Boons. At 40, people assume na nagbabayad ka na ng lalaki.

V.

Parang yung galit ng isang call center agent na pinoy sa mga call center agent sa India. Tawag nila sa mga Indiyano - KAMBING. I wonder kung anong tawag nila sa atin.

VI.

Sabi ni Piya sa violence na to, "SELF-HATE."  Wala akong mahanap na witty retort. Baka totoo.

VII.

When we were kids sa probinsya, we had cliques. I was a part of the SERJ's Camaraderie. Bilang Stephanie, Ericka, RJ and Joanna na nagshe-share ng SWEET HONESTY loose powder. Kalaban namin ang Adelaides Chums. Madami sila but I remember Shangrila Tiangco (ang S sa Adelaides). Contest kami sa lahat ng bagay. Pagandahan ng Colorwheel, pabonggahan ng egg shell mosaic at collage sa MAPE (Music Arts and P.E.). Nanalo lang ako sa collage since marami kaming magazine sa bahay like MOD and Women's. Pagandahan ng handwriting sa formal theme habang sinusulat ang "Please excuse me for being absent from the class today..." sa Letter of Excuse, panalo sila don. Wagi ako sa Informal Theme and Composition. Pabilisan magbasa ng "conflagration" sa spelling flash cards. Sa math, pabilisan mag-times. Sa home economics, panalo ako sa pinaka-perfect na itlog na maalat, panalo din kami sa flower arrangement. Ginamitan namin sila ng Ikebana. Talo kami sa dust-pan making. Panalo naman kami sa stitching with my expertise in back stitch, running stitch and bohol frances. Pag pasko, pagandahan ng parol. I'm sorry. Panalo ako, kasi pinapagawa ko sa karpitero. There was this one time na akala nila, panalo sila sa paramihan ng floorwax na nado-donate. Pero ang ginawa namin, niluluto namin ang floorwax at hinahaluan ng kerosene para mas dumami at nilagay namin sa isang empty boysen can. Guess who won? Pero ang pinaka-culmination ang pagkapanalo ko sa Science Fair with my "Investigatory Project on the Fungicidal Effects of Banaba Leaves in Curing the SugarCane Pineapple Eye Disease." Umabot ako sa Regional where I lost to the "Improvised Overhead Projector" and "Comparative Study between the Effectivity of Rice Hulls and Saw Dust as fuel to the Home-made Oven with Smoke de-ionizer. It was first time sa history ng Mababang Paaralan ng Victorias na may umabot hanggang Regional Science Fair. It was almost a clean sweep but I lost the spelling contest. Nalito ako sa spelling ng "Announcement". Akala ko single N lang. Natalo ako ni Erna Lee ( ang unang E sa AdElaides Chums). Kaya Salutatorian lang ako. Si Shangrila ang Valedictorian. I HATED HER simula nung pinagdebatehan namin ang tamang word sa float ng Little Miss VES (Victorias Elementary School) "Consort" ba o "Escort" hanggang natalo niya ako sa Student Council dahil mas maganda ang mga bookmarks na pinamimigay siya sa room-to-room campaign. Until several years back na nalaman kong buntis siya at nakapag-asawa ng isang Kristo sa 8-cock derby.

VIII.

Anyway, my point is, we are thrown in to the world of paranoia. We are pitted against each other. Akala mo maya-maya lang ay may sasampal na sayo kahit metaphorical lang. Gaano man ka stretched like the SERJ vs Adelaides rivalry or fleeting like the Baklang Nene vs R ng SERJ, ang encounter na yun, laging may tension. Our tendency is to always inflict violence kahit epistemological lang yan . Gaya ni Christian, isang "crew" ng Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf sa Greenbelt. Being behind the counter gave him so much power that he can demean anyone. This lady who was holding a Bottega Veneta Bag worth 120K was subjected to his meanness.

"Machiatto please." Sabi ng girl na naka-Bottega.
"It's only an espresso shot. Are you sure that's what you want?" sabi ni Christian
"Oh, I'm sorry. I meant Caramel Macchiato."
"This is not Starbucks ma'am" Okay na sana, humirit pa "This is --- THE coffee bean and Tea Leaf."
"I'm so sorry," sabi ng Bottega "Give me caramel latte." or something to that effect.
"We no longer have caramel."
"So basically, what do you have?"
"We don't have caramel, anything with chocolate like for example DOUBLE chocolate and ...." This other other stuff that Christian mentioned.
"Give me a Cafe Latte small."

And then it was my turn.
"I'll have hazelnut latte. Easy on the whipcream." ang drama ko.
"It doesn't have whip cream sir."
 He didn't have to say that.
"Oh really?" effect ko. "that's nice to know..."

I gave him my credit card.

"It's not connecting."
"Do you accept cheques?"

He didn't get the joke.

Metaphorically, I slapped him with a 1K bill. It was one of those times that one wishes to have a 10K bill.

"Any smaller bills sir?"

"None."

IX.

I lied. I had several 50s. If it made any sense to add: "I just bought an LV Keepall 50" to the sentence I would have done it just to be brutal about the social inequality. I could have said, "I never liked your coffee anyway and I'd rather drive a hundred kilometers to Subic and sip Lavazza coffee than be here had I not been too tired from work." That would be too defensive.

But what's the point when he barely recognized social markers like Bottega Veneta, a Gold Credit Card (that's paid in full everytime no less!) and a brown LV paperbag with an unopened gift box for LV Keepall 50? What are the odds that he knows Lavazza? Maybe he would have treated that lady with more respect had she worn a more obvious social marker like a Disneyland Shirt or a shirt saying "World Youth Day, Sydney...I was there..." Or maybe he would have treated me differently had I worn Bench or F and H. Or Havaianas instead of Beachwalk while carrying my LV. What's the point of buying a Stephen Sprouse LV bag when you end up being disrespected by Christian, a crew at Coffee Bean and Tea leaf Greenbelt Branch.

X.

Sana crew na lang ng THE Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf ang dalawang baklang nene, siguro nilagyan nila ng whipcream ang hazelnut latte ko.

When the time comes na puno na ng mga baklang nene ang Pilipinas, 94 K for a Stephen Sprouse Keepall bag will surely be worth it.

Ang sabi ng friend ko, galit ka kasi nakikita mo sa kanila ang sarili mo. Isa ka ring baklang nene. 

Sagot ko: Sino bang hindi?

Hindi pa ito ang message to humanity ko...

XI.

Kundi eto...Welcome SELF HATE.

XII.

Going back to Christian ng Coffee Bean and Tealeaf, akala ko panalo na ako sa secret war namin. Until nakita kong sina-swipe niya ang Regular Visa CREDIT CARD ng  customer na kasunod ko. He had her sign two credit slips.

Christian, you might have won the battle, pero sasabihin ko sa 'yo, mahirap kaaway ang isang BAKLANG NENE.

We will win the war.

 

Kaya ngayon naka-BOLD to.

My first encounter with the word "nuptial" gave me the impression of an animal (like marsupial), probably native to Australia, that you see in zoos. Who can blame me when the first ever instance that I saw my name on a wedding invitation was at the latent age of 26. I was never a "ring bearer" much more a flower girl. When my cousins married somebody their parents didn't like, they had to send invitations and plane tickets just to get the family to attend. And somehow, I was left out for reasons that still haunts me. The good thing is, I have seen a lot of wedding dresses.Tiyo Marshall was our tenant and he had a Boutique. He did 90% of the town's wedding dresses. I finally got invited through my boyfriend when his high school best friend got married. It was my first wedding.

In 2008, I paid for my cousin's souvenirs and I sang at her "nuptiasl".

Last Saturday, my friend Misch (she always complains about me not spelling her name correctly) got hitched. She was my first true blue Kapitalist friend except for Stephanie Grace, a classmate in elementary whose parents owned the Better Than Special Offer Sari-Sari Store.

Misch had her room interior designed by my boyfriend just for the wedding video.

"So, sa One Esplah-neyd and reception?" I said.

She was quiet. Misch was always always polite. Quickly, I thought that the place, which was supposedly high-end would not have a name that's just too plain. It had to be read in a more "sosyal" way. So I said, "One Esplah-nah-deh?"

It needed to sound European.

We were driving to her new condo at A.Venue, a wedding gift from her mom (I assume).

With class, she said, "One Esplah-nahd." Like a word she tried to meticulously hide among adverbs and articles and verbs and nouns, just for me to not take offense at it.

"Ah ganon? Esplah-nahd. Sosyal."
 
On our first day of Masters class Misch was in Corporate attire wearing  3-inch heels. I was wearing the proverbial 3-S, shorts, shirt and slippers. She did her presentations and reports in perfect powerpoint with her own personal projector. I did mine in manila paper.

I would always start my report saying, "As a protest to the multi-national corporation, I will not be using Powerpoint..." I would scribble diagrams on the board. Misch, always a groupmate, would laugh at the way I did things.

Until I saw her gobbling up 30-pesos worth of fishballs. And then the rest was history. 

We would open her laptop in the middle of the class, pretend to take down some notes on how to terminate employees unjustly and get away with it, when we were checking friendster instead.

I got the 3rd most expensive toaster at Rustans where she had her wedding registry ( a long list of expensive things).

So there, in a span of three years, I attended four funerals, two baptismals and three weddings.

The wedding was held at San Sebastian Church and the reception at One Esplanade.

At the church, another classmate told me that the person who designed the Eiffel Tower did the San Sebastian Church. My classmate is from Saint Rita.

"I know." I lied. "That's why it feels like Paris."

"I have never been there but I visited Rome, London and Madrid. " She told me.

"Oh sayang! Ang lapit na lang nun a!" I answered.

Seoul is the only country I have been to.

1999. A lonely Korean was wandering around the academic oval, looking for an English tutor. I taught her my very own version of The English Grammar and she taught me her very own version of the Bible. Turned out both were dubious. Obviously she didn't mind as she brought me to Seoul where I played Starcraft on 32 inch computer monitors with 9-year old geeks like it was the Sino- Japanese War again. I was the Korean/Protos while they were the Japanese Zerg.

So there, I walked around the Church and across the function room at One Es-plah-nahhhd and took some pictures, like a tourist visiting Paris for the first time.

Dear Aiko Shinoji A.K.A. Aiko Melendez,

Kamusta? Well ako, eto, may Asthma. Nagkasipon ako pagkatapos kong bumaba ng Tagaytay.

Anong balita sa 'yo? Huli kitang napanood sa Filipinas sa papel ni Vicky at una sa Romeo Loves Juliet but Their Families Hate Each Other kasama si Kempee de Leon na dating ka loveteam ni Vina (Shit naalala kong ang version ni Kempee ng Runaway Train...) Obviously, isa itong adaptation ng play ni Shakespeare na Romeo and Juliet rivaling the effort of Baz Lurhmann.  Kasama n'yo pa si Rene Requiestas dun diba? Pero wala lang gagaling pa sa pagganap mo bilang Ana sa Maalala mo Kaya. Naalala ko rin siyempre si Chinchin na gustong kunin ang anak na iniwan niya sayo matapos niyang pumuntang Japan at mapakag-asawa ng Hapon. Dun ba ninakaw ni Ruffa ang Best Actress award mo sa MMFF, matapos ang walang kamatayang Take-it Take-it scam? Sa lahat ng Regal Babies, ikaw talaga ang favorite ko next to Carmina.

Haaay, I miss my highschool notebooks. Kenneth Peralta, Chuckie Dreyfus, Tina Paner, Sheryl Cruz...Aiko...Until Sterling killed the celebrity themed notebooks with their singularly blue covers! Lintek na kuwagong naka salamin.

Parang ang bilis ng panahon no Aiks? Pang-ilang term mo na ba as city councilor?

Well, napasulat ako kasi nag-overnight stay kami ng boypren ko sa Tagaytay Boutique and Breakfast na pagmamay-ari ni Happy Ongpauco at ni Trina Montelibano. The hotel was fabulous of course.

I know na hindi ka makakapunta dun matapos mong sikuhin (allegedly) si Happy at si Trina at ipabugbog ang isa nilang katropa sa bodyguard mo. Past is past. But Tagaytay Boutique Bed and Breakfast will be like those little pockets of heaven that you can never set your foot into.

Kaya bilang isang dakilang fan, I'll walk you through the experience.

Nadaanan lang namin to nung minsang nagroad trip kami nina Piya. You need to meet her. She could have been a Regal Baby had she not taken the "more" academic path. And Kaloy. Oh my god, you need to meet him. He could have been a Regal Baby had he not taken the "more" academic path. And Vlad. And Oh. My.God. You need to meet him. He could have been a Regal Baby had he not taken the "more" academic path.

Well the thing is, this is like, the 4th hotel I have ever been into. Make that 3rd, I won't count Kundutel in Bacolod where we stayed for two nights when I attended my cousin's wedding. Make that 2nd, not counting Amorita, in Bohol, since it was practically a villa with its own pool at the edge of a cliff. So after Marriott Hotel in Cebu, this is my second hotel. And boy was I satisfied!

I know Aiko, you are well- traveled so for the benefit of those who would read this letter let me lift the definition of a boutique hotel from wikipedia: Boutique hotel is a term popularized in North America and the United Kingdom to describe intimate, usually luxurious or quirky hotel environments. .

Akala ko rin ang Boutique ay yung tindahan ni Tiyo Marshall sa probinsya, isang baklang sastre, na katabi ng Gemma's Beauty's Salon. Nagnanakaw kami dati dun ng mga retaso at ginagawa naming unan. Well, well, well, I was so damn wrong.

The facade is likable depending on your taste. Para sakin, super ganda na talaga siya. I wish the plants were more exotic but it's not like Paris. It's only Tagaytay afterall, marami pa ring magnanakaw sa Pilipinas. First time ko lang din makakita ng totoong poinsettia. Or it can also be that ngayon lang ako naging aware sa kanya. I'm sure marami nun sa probinsya especially sa bahay nina Mrs. Navajas na nagbebenta ng tiger orchids at anthorium. There was a time na super uso ng anthorium na puti (or baka marami lang din talaga namatay) na nung nag-diversify ang Victorias Milling Company, they grew anthoriums instead of sugarcane during crop rotation. Napilitang magdiversify ni Mrs Navajas at magbenta ng brownies at organic spaghetti (or spaghetti without ketchup).

It's funny how an artistic space like a hotel can make your senses and memory hypersensitive - even to just mere poinsettia.
















Para bang pinag-uusapan ka ng mga babae sa counter. No. They are talking about how they can make my stay the most fulfilling experience I'll ever have. Mas fulfilling pa nung grumadweyt ako after 5 years sa U.P., make that 6. Sorry, 7. Honest.
 
Definitely bibigyan ko sila ng 1.5. Di na ako umakyat ng stage nung graduation ko nung college.




Behind the counter is their DVD collection. 99% pirated but who cares when in the end, you get to watch them in a Samsung flat screen Liquid Crystal Display? Well, sad to say Aiko, wala man lang isa na galing sa 'yong Filmography. Kahit man lang ang Shake Rattle and Roll part IV. Yes, for obvious reasons.

Forgive but not forget. Amicable settlement yes, Amiable Settlement, No.

Parang stairways to heaven. Medyo madumi ang floor. Medyo umuulan ng konti kaya madumi na ang mga sapatos ng mga guests.

The stairs could have appeared less crude had I used DSLR . Kaya lang, I-phone lang ang gamit ko. I don't even know how to use photoshop.
Sayang.

Hindi ito ang pinakamurang room. May sarili siyang veranda for that matter. Siyempre merong mas mura pero walang view. It's useless na rin siguro Aiks, kung sasabihin ko ang price kasi di ka rin naman makakapasok. This is one of the few moments na totoo ang kasabihang: money can't buy happiness. Well, in your case at least. Pero, kung gusto mo talaga, pwede kang magpanggap.

Parang Twelfth Night, mag-anyo kang lalaki to rendezvous with your hubby Jackain, or is it Herbert? They wouldn't care kung dalawa kayong lalaki ang magchecheck in. It's not like it's Sogo or something! Who cares as long as "marriage of true minds" ika nga ni Shakespeare. Or pwede ring mag-addict ka at magpapayat Aiks, at sabihin mo sa receptionist na ikaw si Mylene Dizon.

Ay galit ata ang bear sayo. Tinalikuran ka niya.  Hindi, Shy lang talaga siya Aiks. Don't worry I haharap ko siya.

AYAN!






The bed is super soft. Para kang nakahiga sa ulap without the wet feeling. The lighting is perfect and flattering. Kapag humarap ka sa salamin, parang ang ganda-ganda mo and you don't need to take glutathione. You're not overweight. Say it. You are not overweight. You are pretty. You are intelligent. You know the capital of 192 member states of the United Nations. You know who the 3rd runner-up of the 1958 Miss Universe Beauty Pageant was, which was held in Los Angeles California. You rule Aiks! And its all because of the yellow lights.
Of course naka-focus ako sa Mirror at hindi sa LCD TV. Meron din naman akong LCD tv sa bahay at 32 inches siya. I got it from the Philips Bodega Sale at 35,000. Orginal price at 46,000. Class B, meaning display item with 3 months warranty. I would have gotten the Class C, refurbished at 29,000 kung hindi lang pinakyaw ng isang Chinese. It's not because of the price difference but I heard from someone that it's better to buy CLASS C, kahit na walang warranty. At least, alam na nila king saan ang sira at naayos na. I also bought a food processor with a full year warranty. Nasira when I tried to process dog food. I didn't have time to bring it to a service center. I have one dead pixel in my LCD and counting.


The Complimentary Welcome Drinks - masarap siya. Super tamis kaya kahit ilang beses mo dagdagan ng tubig, masarap pa din. You can always ask for a bucket of ice.

Of course, nag-abot ako ng tip. Sometimes 50, most of the time 20.
 Naisip ko tuloy, sayang walang tig-10 pesos na papel at nakakahiya naman mag-abot ng barya.

Gusto na dapat inumin ng boypren ko Aiks, pero pinigilan ko siya. Kelangan ko muna siyang kunan ng picture. Yung drinks, hindi ang boypren ko. Meron na siyang picture sa heart ko FOREVER. Sana naging ganun din kayo ni Jomari.Advise lang Aiks, wag mo sisindihan yang mga nakatayong sticks na yan. Akala ko rin nung una, incense siya. So I grabbed my expensive lighter, a gift from Piya, and lit them slowly one by one. Until nangamoy sunog ang banyo. It turned out they're just scented sticks, dipped in some exotic oil. I have a feeling tuloy na baka hindi nagwowork and fire alarm.

Shh...parang kulang ng isang H at sobra ng isang (.) Tatlong period lang dapat ang ellipsis.Tahimik naman ang lugar except for maya't mayang kalampagan sa kusina. Naririnig mo to sa I DREAM room. We had atleast 20 pillows. Siguro ang iba ay para pantakip ng tenga. Kaya hindi ka nanaginip kung sakaling marinig mong may mga pinggan na naglalaglagan. The good thing is, alam mong hindi iyun multo at  niluluto talaga ang food.

Speaking of food Aiks, medyo nagalaw ko na siya, nung bigla kung naalalang, kelangan ko siya piktyuran! Naalala ko ang ang billboard mo for Marie France sa SLEX. Mukha lang lang siyang masarap pero sa totoo, super sarap talaga. Kahit na may isang pasaway ng Drosophila Melanogaster na aaligid-aligid. I think sinundan niya kami galing Cubao. Hindi pwedeng the langaw was born and bred in the same baby back ribs which by the way is better than that of Friday's and yes, even that of Outback's.


By 6 am, nag breakfast in bed kami. I thought it's only in Hawaii where one can marvel at the lake and the volcano while taking his complimentary continental breakfast. Siyempre, nag research ako. Huling pumutok ang Taal Volcano nung 1977 at hindi naman ganun kalakas. Parang sipon lang. If ever na atakihin ng asthma ang bulkan nung araw na yun, handa na ba akong mamatay?

Aiks, hindi. Try ko muna ang Discovery Shores. Dun, pwede tayo mag girls night out sipping Lychee Mojita.

Say mo?

And more importantly, say ni Happy Ongpauco?

Lovelots,
Your No.1 FAN
2pcChicken


P.S.

If ever na magdecide akong bumoto at finally, magparegister para sa susunod na eleksyon. You know who will be No.2 in my ballot - you Darling. I'm reserving a slot for Carmina. That is kung hindi siya napeer-pressure ni Zoren at nagpaconvert sa Dating Daan. Mabuhay ang mga Regal Babies!










 

Panic is in the preparation. The result should always appear effortless (a translation).  - Teysi ng Tahanan

We got the party favors (finger puppets) at Ikea.


I had all the pictures posted here but decided to delete them on the last minute. I was afraid of not giving justice to the party's "fabulousity."



















I intended to do a Live Blogging of sorts, but as the gracious host, I had too many guests to attend to: like jay, one of the headwriter of the soon-to-air show? about Lovers in Paris, eating the oyster that was placed on top of the carbonara, solely? for aesthetic appeal, and Jay taking the bread off the "Bruschetta", and Jay explaining the real score on the most recent celebrity suicide.




Of course Jay became a headwriter for a soap while raegan, kaloy, kat, vlad, mykel and schedar are now teachers in UP.




Some of them already won the Palanca awards for Literature.

Piya is now taking her 2nd degree in Fine Arts after graduating Magna Cum Laude in Comparative Literature.


Irene recently brought a corporation down on its knees. Chai is now the org president. Tanya got all the boys who eluded her back in college and at the same time took her Masters in Psychology.  Milky, Myles (Milky is a separate name/entity and not an adjective describing Myles) and Prech are now producers for TV. Daryl an executive producer and a tarot reader. Rose is a full-time teacher in Meriam and a part-time instructor for Fitness First. Yonina, a lifestyle editor for a major daily newspaper. Chu snagged a pretty sportscaster. Mikael, oh well, a researcher and a slave to love. And of course Marla, who recently became a lesbian.


I kept on reminding Kat that night about my strategy: DOWNPLAY. The same strategy she had when she attended the Debate Society Christmas Party. I wouldn't want to appear too crude amidst the breakneck spead of social mobility, that's why I declined to do a speech but later on, realizing that it was one of the few moments that people would actually listen, I took the challenge head on.

"Ang tagumpay na ito ay dahil sa --- 1000 mg. Glutathione, 2x a day, BeauxiWhite. BFAD approved."

Of course my boyfriend gave the more serious speech. He reminded everyone about how in "essence" we haven't really changed.

"Same people, only now we're drinking cheap wine and food we only see in recipe books."

"...This is a plus one invitation and we'd appreciate it if you can inform us of your (and your companion's) attendance by replying to this message. Hors d'oeurves, beer and wine will be served."

We will be hosting this year's annual party for U.P.'s premiere (and only) writing organization and its strategic allies (in short: dyowa.)

Louie and Piya (daughter of a high ranking University official) did the grocery yesterday while I was asleep.

Louie is in the kitchen, introducing different kinds of cheese to our household help.

Sabi ni Manang, dapat nagpa-cater na lang kami.
Sabi ko, Manang, never nagpa-cater si Martha Stewart.

We bought table lamps and giveaways at Ikea.
We didn't have time to clean our Moroso chair and the Panton needs some washing.

We're still thinking where to put our dogs later. They'll hate us for this.

Motif is SILVER.

If you're thinking what those shiny squares are, well - MIRRORs.

The bigger question is: What's in the Menu?

Zen Isakaya: Ikaw ba ang anak ni Annie na nag-aaral daw sa U.P.?

Ako: Opo.

Zen Isakaya: ここに来てください、少女! Girls! Andito na ang anak ni Annie! Buti pa si Annie, may anak na nagpupursige mag-aral. Kelan ka gaga-graduate?

Ako: Kakakick-out ko lang po ng Eng'g, naghahanap pa po ako ng kolehiyo.

Zen Isakaya: Ganun ba? Aalis na nag batch 3 puntang Osaka sa susunod na Sabado. May ipapadala ka raw ba sa Mommy mo?

Ako: Nabanggit nga po ni Mami, meron po akong sulat.


                                                  LAMAN NG SOBRE